Total Drama Race
by Vilecheese
Summary: Total Drama the Musical was a bust with the fans, so what will Chris and Chef do with all those passports? Easy; pair up the 24 campers and put them through a season of the Amazing Race!


Author's Notes: And here's story number two, the Amazing Race crossover. I've heard some people suggest this idea before, but I've never seen an actual fanfic of it...so here's one!

* * *

Total Drama Race

Prologue: "My face has a two-foot restraining order"

Sitting in the middle of a vast field, brown and dried from a harsh autumn and pesticide abuse, was a rather old plane. It looked like it had fought in WWII, getting scarred in the process yet still standing. A slapdash paint job made it look even worse than it normally would, and worse yet was the huge portrait of a narcissistic man's face smiling on the side. Below, a man bearing the exact same face but smaller raised his arms in emphasis, wearing an old fashioned aviator's uniform and goggles.

"This is Muskoka, Ontario," he began, yelling to be overheard by the plane's motor and the crisp breeze rustling the prairie grass around him. "It was here where…uh…what happened here anyway?" He craned his neck up to the cockpit of the plane, where a large black man scowled at him.

"How the heck should I know?" he asked, "What do I look like, a history teacher?"

"Whatever." The first man dismissed it and faced the camera once more. "This place was home to the first season of the highly successful Total Drama series, hosted by yours truly, and it is also the starting line in a race around the world!"

"I liked the musical idea better," the second man growled to himself.

The host sighed. "Me too, but you can't argue with the network higher-ups, ya know." He cleared his throat. "Twelve teams of two will start here and race all over the world. They will have to follow clues and perform challenges to finish twelve legs. The last team to check in the pit stop at the end of each leg will either be eliminated, or incur a penalty in the next leg. When only three teams remain, they will race in one last leg, and the team that reaches the finish line first will win…"

"There he goes again," the cohost mused, "with the ridiculously large cash prize that he never even pays out."

"Five…million…DOLLAHS!" the host finished. "I'm Chris McLean, and this is Total. Drama. RACE!

---

"And we're back in Total Drama Race!" Chris McLean greeted in the exact same position as before. Except now he was surrounded by 24 teenagers paired off into twelve teams.

"What are you talking about?" a short Indian boy asked in a rather bored tone. "You didn't go anywhere."

"I wonder how many more fanfic authors are going to use that joke," a red-haired girl clothed in green asked herself.

Chris ignored them and continued his hosting. "Now it's time to meet the teams! First off, we've got-"

"Ooh ooh, me! Me!" the red-haired girl squealed.

"No, pick us!" two girls wearing identical outfits chimed in unison.

"No, do Cody first!" a girl with purple hair chirped.

Chris held his hands up. "Alright alright, please shut up! First I'll introduce Duncan and Courtney, a dating couple that refuses to acknowledge the fact they're dating!"

The camera focused on a girl in formal attire and a boy with a green mohawk and many piercings.

* * *

**Confessionals**

Duncan: We're easily the most competitive team on this race. Courtney here (puts his arm around Courtney) has the drive and spirit of a lion, not to mention the body of a goddess…

Courtney: (Blushes) Duncan! Not now!

Duncan: She's totally hot for me. (Wiggles unibrow)

Courtney: No I'm not! (Slaps Duncan) The only reason I'm on the same team as this neanderthal is because we both provide skills that the other lacks. I may have martial arts training and a brilliant mind, but (sighs) Duncan knows how to talk to people and get his way.

Duncan: And bend the stupid race rules.

Courtney: And that. But please try to keep it to a minimum this time!

Duncan: Fat chance, princess. Ya know ya love it when I'm bad…

Courntey: Ugh, I hate you! (They make out)

* * *

"The next team is a pair of calm, cool-headed gals that both dumped their boyfriends!" Chris announced. "Please welcome best friends Gwen and Bridgette!"

A goth girl with blue highlights scowled at the camera, while a blonde wearing a blue hoodie waved in a friendly manner.

* * *

**Confessionals**

Gwen: I can't believe I was forced onto another season of this show!

Bridgette: Relax, Gwen. (Puts her arm around Gwen's shoulders) It's all in good fun.

Gwen: (Scowling) Yeah, maybe for you. Last time I checked, the world doesn't hate you.

Bridgette: The world doesn't hate you, Gwen. I forgave you, Geoff forgave you, Trent…

Gwen: Yeah, them and fifty-odd others. The rest want me to drop dead. In a ditch. Buried alive on the beach.

Bridgette: (Sighs)

* * *

"Speaking of Gwen," Chris continued, "our next team consists of two lonely guys who've had their hearts broken by her! Cody and Trent!"

A scrawny brunet posed in a dorky fashion towards the camera, while a guy with a FREAKISHLY MASSIVE head carrying a guitar case was trying to keep the purple-haired girl at bay.

"I LOVE YOU CODY!" she squealed.

"Wait your turn," Chris commanded.

* * *

**Confessionals**

Trent: Since Gwen broke up with me, I've been feeling a lot more empathic towards Cody. It's like "yeah, now I know what you went through".

Cody: Hey, at least we still have fangirls.

Purple-Haired Girl: (Pokes her head through the window) LET ME BEAR YOUR CHILDREN CODY- (Trent slams the window)

Trent: Yeah, that's real consoling.

Cody: I dunno. Even though they're creepy, a part of me likes the attention the fangirls are bringing.

Trent: (Raises eyebrow) How big a part?

Cody: A pretty big part. (Grins sheepishly)

Trent: Well, I could live without them. (Spots a fangirl in the chimney and boards it up) I'm not a big crowds person.

Fangirl: (Muffled) I muff mu Mremt! I muff mu Mremt! I muff mu Mremt! I muff mu Mremt! I muff mu Mremt! I muff mu Mremt! I muff mu Mremt! I muff mu Mremt! I muff mu Mremt!

Cody: (Freaked out) Okay, that's slightly disturbing…

* * *

"But what is a good reality show without some evil, strategic villains?" Chris asked the audience. "That's why our next team includes the queen of mean, Heather, and her much hotter yet nowhere near as competent lackey, Justin!"

"Hey!" a ridiculously handsome young man in a shirt far too small for him shouted. "Why do I have to be the lackey? I'm plenty evil!"

"Zip it, lackey." a haughty Asian girl with a small ponytail berated.

* * *

**Confessionals**

Justin: I'm the most strategic person in this game. Check it out; I can hypnotize people! (Removes shirt as dreamy music plays)

Heather: (Covers her eyes) Yeah, but does that work on males, too?

Justin: (Lifts finger)

Heather: Males not named Owen?

Justin: (Drops finger and sighs)

Heather: And that's why you're the lackey; you only control half the game. I, on the other hand, control all of it.

Justin: Yeah, I- (Realizes something) Wait, I made it further in Total Drama Action though!

Heather: All part of my plan… MUAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Justin: Do I need to get an awesome evil laugh to be a better villain?

Heather: No, but it gets you points for style.

Justin: Ah. (Puts on glasses and writes down something on a note card)

* * *

"Time for the crazy couple who actually ISN'T on the rocks, Owen and Izzy!"

The crazy redhead from before waved to the camera and greeted several people who didn't exist. The fat blond beside her ignored the camera and focused on his empty bag of airline peanuts, as if shaking the bag enough would give him more.

* * *

**Confessionals**

Owen: Ya know, there's a lotta crazy foods out in the world! Like tacos, and French fries, and-

Izzy: Owen! Can't you think of anything other than food?

Owen: (Counting on his fingers) And Belgian waffles and English muffins and Danish…Danishes and-

Izzy: (Removes her top)

Owen: (Drooling) Girlfriends are more important than food…

Izzy: Exactly. (Winks at the camera)

* * *

"Our next team consists of utter failures!" Chris announced.

"Hey!" the Indian boy complained.

"Please welcome the guys who were eliminated first on their respective teams in TDI, Noah and Ezekiel!"

The Indian boy mentioned earlier crossed his arms and frowned at the camera, as if it insulted him personally. Next to him was a gawky-looking kid wearing warm clothes and a toque, looking excited yet a tad nervous.

* * *

**Confessionals**

Ezekiel: I've kinda goot mixed feelings aboot this race, eh. Furst o' all, I had never been less'en ten miles from the farm beefoor, so getting to travel all oover the woorld is tootally new, boot-

Noah: (Miffed) Less life story, more strategy.

Ezekiel: Ookay…(whispering to the camera) I'm scared o' these kids…they hated me and booted me oot the first day joost foor a comment I didn't mean to hurt anyone with, eh.

Noah: I can hear every word you're saying. When is it my turn?

Ezekiel: You'll have plenty o' time to talk, eh. Wait yoor turn.

Noah: Wait my turn this, wait my turn that, blah blah blah. (Sulks) I get enough of that at home. And eight siblings later, it's nighttime and I don't get a turn at all.

Ezekiel: Soory aboot that, eh…wait, I thought you didn't like it when I talked aboot my life stoory…

Noah: (Grunts)

* * *

"Next up are our really annoying BFFFLs!" Chris announced. "Best Female Friends For Life, with high-pitched squeals, obsessions with boys, and a large gap in the attractiveness factor! Beth and Lindsay!"

Two girls wearing the same clothes and the same black pigtails were about to hug and squeal in delight until they heard the names Chris yelled. They blushed in embarrassment as they, and the camera, focused on a short girl with glasses and a brown ponytail happily squeal alongside a tall, gorgeous blonde with rather large...tracts of land.

* * *

**Confessionals**

Beth: Omigosh! I'm sooo excited to be running this race with Lindsay!

Lindsay: Omigosh, me too! With Beth, I mean!

Beth: Lindsay is the best friend a girl could have! She's so nice and sweet and friendly!

Lindsay: And Beth promised me she'd take me to France after winning TDA! Are we in France yet? **(1)**

Beth: (Confused) Uh, we didn't have time to go there yet…But that's okay! Maybe we'll go to France during the race!

Lindsay: Omigosh! We're going to France, yay! (Stops) What's a France?

Beth: (Sighs)

* * *

"Next up are our really annoying BFFFLs!" Chris announced. "Best Female Friends For Life, with high-pitched squeals, obsessions with boys, and a large gap in the attractiveness factor! Katie and Sadie!"

"Copy and paste, much?" Noah asked, raising an unamused eyebrow.

"Hey," Chris said, "I don't write it, I just say it."

* * *

**Confessionals**

Chris: Actually, I do write it. (Holds up a script) But I can't let the campers know that, now can I?

---

Sadie: Okay, what was up with that?

Katie: Up with what?

Sadie: Those two other BFFFLs, Beth and Lindsay.

Katie: Omigosh, are they trying to steal our schtick?

Sadie: Try nothing, they already stole it!

Katie: (Holding a torch and pitchfork) REVENGE!!!!!

Sadie: (Lighting crashes in the background and eyes glow red) REVENGE!!!!!

Katie: Omigosh, it's so cute how we both want revenge on Beth and Lindsay!

Sadie: Omigosh, I know! We're such BFFFLs!

Katie: Totally!

Katie and Sadie: (Hugging and squealing) EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

* * *

Chris continued, "Team number nine-"

"Niiiiiiiiine!" Trent foamed at the mouth. "Niiiiiiiiine! Note there are nine i's in

'niiiiiiiiiine'!"

"Sorry Trent, but you're not contestant number nine anymore." Chris grinned.

"He was the tenth to arrive on TDI, you know," a lanky nerd with auburn hair wheezed.

"WHAT?!" Trent shouted, falling to his knees. "MY LIFE IS A LIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!"

Chris frowned. "Thank you, Harold. The next team includes this dork and his unrequited love, LeShawna!"

"Unrequited?" Harold asked. "What do you mean, 'unrequited'? LeShawna's totally my girlfriend."

A big-boned African girl over to the side placed her head in her palm and shook it.

* * *

**Confessionals**

LeShawna: Harold here may be sweeter than honey (wraps her arm around Harold), but we're just friends, ya'll.

Harold: (Dreamily) LeShawna's my girlfriend.

LeShawna: (Ignores Harold) I've got the street smarts, he's got the book smarts. We make an excellent team.

Harold: I've got mad skills in nunchaku, nunyos, camping, crafts, knitting, fishing, hiking…and flirting. (Leans towards LeShawna)

LeShawna: (Pushes Harold away) My face has a two-foot restraining order, sugar.

Harold: And LeShawna is the most awesome girl on the planet. When our powers combine, we can totally win this race!

Captain Planet: (Cries)

* * *

"Next up are a pair of athletes!" Chris announced. "One royally sucks, and the other could kick my ass if I say anything insulting here! Tyler and Eva!"

"Damn right I could kick your ass," a muscular woman with a black unibrow growled. Next to her, a brunet in a red track suit showed off to the camera, flexing his nonexistent biceps. Then he tripped somehow.

"Isn't he dreeeeeaaaamy?" Lindsay gushed.

* * *

**Confessionals**

Eva: (Punches palm) After a season of getting cheated out by TRAITORS and a season of not being on the show at all, I've got some tension I need to vent out! GRAGH!

Tyler: At least she's not venting it out on me.

Eva: (Beats up Tyler) I'm going to win this season! I don't care how many heads I need to step on, how many arms I need to break, how many restraining orders I accrue…

Tyler: (Bruised) …You know what "accrue" means?

Eva: (Beats up Tyler) And if anyone gets in my way this time…I'LL *BLEEEEEEEEEEP*

Tyler: O_o

* * *

"Our next team-"

"Is it my turn yet?" the purple-haired girl asked.

"No," Chris said, "We've still got another team before you. Our next team-"

"Is it Cody's turn yet?" she asked.

"Cody already went! Our next team-"

"Is it Cody's turn yet?" she asked. The cohost, Chef, placed a bucket over her head.

Chris sighed in relief, as well as an attractive Hispanic boy. "Gracias. That girl was driving me loco!"

"Our next team is a pair of good friends, who bonded over a cute little bunny, a lousy token of love, and some nasty pranks! Geoff and DJ!"

"'Sup dudes?" A blond guy with a cowboy hat and pink unbuttoned shirt got right into the camera, while a large Jamacian in a skullcap could barely be seen behind his friend.

* * *

**Confessionals**

Geoff: Dude, we're going on a race around the world! I'm so PSYCHED! (Whoops in joy)

DJ: (Looks nervous) Yeah…that's great, man. Yeah.

Geoff: What's the problem, man?

DJ: (Rubbing his forearm) Well, it's just that, uh…last season-

Geoff: Don't worry about that, dude. It'll be fine. I only do that when I'm hosting my own show.

DJ: (Unsure) You promise?

Geoff: Swearsies. Cross my heart (crosses heart) hope to, uh, get heinously injured.

DJ: Or ruin your makeup? (Chuckles)

Geoff: Yeah, or that. (Laughs along with DJ)

* * *

"And it's the time you've all been waiting for!" Chris announced. The racers stopped talking and actually listened to the host (ONOEZ A SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE), because they were all interested in why there were two strangers among them. "The final team consists of our two newbies (and the only two auditions we liked), please give a not so warm welcome to Alejandro and Sierra!"

The camera panned to the Hispanic boy and the purple-haired girl, as confetti flew around them. However, it was no ordinary confetti…

"GAH! Senor Chris, why is this confetti so itchy?" Alejandro screamed as his skin reddened.

"I NEED CODY TO SCRATCH ME WITH HIS SOOTHING HANDS!" Sierra shrieked as she scratched so fast, it looked like she'd rip her skin off.

Chris let out a sadistic chortle as he held up a canister of Multicolored Itching Powder tm. "Hah hah! Now that you two are campers, I'm gonna need you to catch up on your torture quota!"

Gwen sighed. "Of course."

* * *

**Confessionals**

Alejandro: I have watched this Total Drama Island and Total Drama Action. I have also watched Survivor, Big Brother, Amazing Race…

Sierra: I watch the first nine episodes of TDI every day. CODY'S IN THEM!

Alejandro: The point is, I know how to play these little games, and how to win!

Sierra: I want Cody to win this season! I mean, it wasn't even fair that he didn't make it onto TDA! How did he get untied to Owen and DJ and fall into that pool of jelly?

Alejandro: That tamale Heather and that loser Justin have nothing on me. They'll all be eating out of my hands…

Sierra: Cody could make everyone eat out of his hands if he wanted to. I'd eat out of his hands in a heartbeat!

Alejandro: (Angrily stares at Sierra) For the love of God, would you shut up about Cody, por favor?

Sierra: No! He's my Cody! MY CODY TO LOVE AND OBSESS OVER! (Foams at the mouth) **(2)**

Alejandro: (To the camera) Check this out; no girl can resist this. (Removes his shirt and a Spanish version of Justin's leitmotif plays)

Sierra: (Takes out a picture of Cody and stares at it)

Alejandro: -.-;

* * *

All twenty-four campers, paired up in their twelve teams, were now lined up behind a huge Start sign painted onto the grass. Ahead of them was a mountain of large backpacks, half of them with a yellow envelope noticeably sticking out.

Somewhere between the backpacks and the campers, Chris McLean stood proudly, looking about ready to burst in excitement. "I take it you guys already know the rules?" he asked.

Noah sighed. "Of course we know the rules. You went over them on the plane. Twice."

"Wait, what were the rules again?" Lindsay asked no one in particular.

Chris smirked. "Good, you all know the rules. Travel safe."

That was the cue for the campers to prepare themselves.

"On your mark…"

Every camper except for a very confused Lindsay crouched down. Owen farted as he crouched.

"Get set…"

Sierra took this time to drool over Cody. Justin quickly fixed his hair up in a mirror until Heather knocked it away. Tyler started running early, but he tripped so Chris didn't care.

"Aaaaaaaand GO!" Chris lowered his arm, and the twenty-four campers rushed to their backpacks!

* * *

Author's Notes: In case you haven't yet, I'd suggest that you go back and read Total Candied Island, then go to my profile and vote on which story you like best. Just a suggestion.

**(1)** For the purposes of a few minor plot points, I'm assuming in this fic that Beth won TDA. Hopefully this will be true, or else some stuff will end up making no sense.

**(2)** I don't know whether Sierra and Alejandro really act like this; their personalities here are based on what little we know about them currently, exaggerated in Sierra's case for laughs.


End file.
